Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Obama the Clown


Hi kiddies ... Obie the Clown here, givin y'all a new media shout out (tweet tweet!). Wherever you may be (or whichever alternate universe/reality you inhabit). Today be Wednesday, and of course you know what that means? Yep ... uh huh, thazz right. Just like every other single freakin day of me glorious administration, it's speech day. HUZZAH!

OK now .... calm down .... tain't nothin, just like all my other speeches (you know, do as I say, not as I do).

[Alt: Words must mean something.].

OK so where were we? Right, abso-fookin-lutely nowhere (sheetcreekwithoutapaddle). Do I hear someone crying? [that can't be right (during an Obama administration)]. What's that .... politicizing the Department of Homeland Security? Tain't nothin (all in a day's work).

No .... really, no need to thank me
[for clarifying Attorney General Holder's remarks (ya ain't cowards ... you're terrorists!)].

Anyway, bout that lil episode where I bent over and fluffed the Saudi King's nuts .... shoot. I didn't know, anybody can make a mistake (then another, and another, and another). But heck, I'm lurnin this Prezadent thingy (and one of these days I might actually stop criticizing America, while standing atop foreign soil?)

So I've joined an Islamist band, and I've been teaching them all the lyrics in our CIA field investigation handbook (is this a cool job or what). And I've been catching pirates.

Who's bad? Yep, you got it man, eye yam. I'm the baddest pirate catcher around.

Lemme stop you right there (I know what you're thinking) .... sure, maybe I talk a little too much.

And maybe once an hour or so, I tell a teency lil white lie. But I digress.

If any of you are ever in the nation's capital .... pop on over for a visit. Ya don't need a fancy car, or have to know any famous Hollywood folks (like me). Just show up .... you are always welcome at the People's House.

And if ya can, stop and pick up some Marlboro 27's for me will ya. Thanks dude!

And remember kids ....

Only you can drink the KoolAid.

You're not done asking questions? Hmmm .... ok, ask away. What about Iran ya say?

Mean Iran, bad Iran.

No fries for you!

Now where did those former members of the Bush administration go?


Monday, April 13, 2009

I Will Survive


At First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
Without you neocons by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you Repub's did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to help Obie along
And so you're back, from outta space
I just walked in to find you here
with that angry look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you cancel your subscription
If I'd known for just one second
You'd be back to bother me

Absurdly laughable piece, in the Sunday L.A. Daily News, from "Editorial Page Editor" Mariel Garza. Titled: Newspapers will still survive.

Geebus, why would I go online to read their sh*t? When the net has minds that Garza, and more an a few of their scribes, can't even begin to fathom. I subscribe to that local dreckfest for (count em) two reasons.

1) I like to read an atomic paper over breakfast [that is when the sad sacks can actually get it to me before eight fookin thirty, if at all (mebbe time to reconsider my L.A. Times disapprobation?)]

2) The Tuesday supermarket supplements, and the Sunday circulars/adverts [this Sunday's paper had a whole three inserts! (readers aren't the only ones who have caught on)]. And yes, Dennis McCarthy is a very nice bonus.

If Garza thinks people are seeking out their content online, in order to save a buck? Then yessum, they can indeed kiss their smelly little commie rag goodbye (but hey, let em pathetically keep filling up the atomic paper with endless references/links to online stories/features/polls).

People will pay what something is worth. And their content? Mostly AP propaganda and lies (even amazingly, some of the biggest L O C A L stories of the past twelve months). Which is worth exactly nothing. Incompetence rules the executive, editorial, and news depts. The ever shrinking (by the minute) paper is a joke. Garza's rant? Platinum proof thereof.

Good Luck Mariel, with your increased online readership (bwahaha).


I only got to/through the first five paragraphs [I'm sure Mariel will understand (I was after all, eating breakfast at the time)].


Without the atomic version, it is impossible to call the Daily News on all of their bullsh*t. Articles/stories that one may care to link/reference .... disappear in a matter of mere days. Almost without exception. So as not to appear one hand clapping, here be the first four to five paragraphs:

The conservapundits and their followers are having so much fun dancing on the supposed grave of the supposedly liberal mainstream media newspapers, that I really hate to ruin their fun.

The financial troubles of newspapers must seem like divine justice after having to watch the nation's Fourth Estate fawn over Obama and make fun of John McCain's every move. Fox commentator Bill O'Reilly could barely contain his glee over the news last month that the Seattle Post-Intelligencer would stop printing and go online-only. He declared that newspapers were finally getting their comeuppance for being so liberal.

It's a good sound bite, and conservative pundits have milked it quite thoroughly. It's just not true.

Yes, the nation's newspapers are feeling the economic downturn, just like the auto, retail, travel and any other industry that relies on people spending money. But while American newspapers might be losing money, they aren't losing readers. In fact, most online news sites are seeing record traffic, the L.A. Daily News included.

Americans still want us, just not in the right way. The paid, subscription kind of way. All of you who are reading this online (you know who you are) for free, are the reason that newspapers are struggling.


I hear GM is offering car buyers protection against job loss (no Mariel, no need to thank me).

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Bang that drum Bibi ... bang it LOUD

(Bang it really really loud)

Netanyahu to Obama: Stop Iran—Or I Will

In an interview conducted shortly before he was sworn in today as prime minister of Israel, Benjamin Netanyahu laid down a challenge for Barack Obama. The American president, he said, must stop Iran from acquiring nuclear weapons—and quickly—or an imperiled Israel may be forced to attack Iran’s nuclear facilities itself.

“The Obama presidency has two great missions: fixing the economy, and preventing Iran from gaining nuclear weapons,” Netanyahu told me. He said the Iranian nuclear challenge represents a “hinge of history” and added that “Western civilization” will have failed if Iran is allowed to develop nuclear weapons.

In unusually blunt language, Netanyahu said of the Iranian leadership, “You don’t want a messianic apocalyptic cult controlling atomic bombs. When the wide-eyed believer gets hold of the reins of power and the weapons of mass death, then the entire world should start worrying, and that is what is happening in Iran.”

A course dees leetle chickadee's been saying da sky's falling ... for years.

Purdy sure Obie ain goin hear ya Bibi. He kinda lives in hees own little prevaht Idie ho [though I think he may just hear your outgoing (when the time comes)]. Ya don't need his blessing, or his permission. And he knows it (I wouldn't ask him for permission to go to the bathroom). The future of the world's in your hands' Mr. Prime Minister. Call me if you need any help with the ops planning [I gotts a cool, calm, casual plan on how to end the madness (simple as pie really/nuttin tuit honey)].

And oh yeah, Thank You (I will in fact sleep better tonight Sir).