Monday, May 18, 2009

Everybody's Gone Waterboarding, Waterboarding U.S.A.

Us conservatives, we loves to torture. It's all we do. Nothing else. Torture torture torture. Mornin noon and night. Twenny fo sebben. Eat, sleep, breathe ... torture. When we awake in the morn, we pull the wings off a few flies, just to say hello world (hello world). Stomp on a few ants, squish a spider or two, and then poison a few rats .... all before that first cuppa joe.

After coffee? Well now sunshine, we're almost ready to face the day. We warm up the high zoot automatic paintball gun, and ping da (Obama voter) neighbor's cat, for around fifteen minutes (who's your daddy b*tch). Now feeling a part of life's grand parade, we proceed to have a spot o' breakfast (mmm meat). Properly nourished, it be time. Time to head out.

We get in the detroit iron blunderbus 8 banger (with the hole in the exhaust manifold). Pop C.W. McCall in the eight track player. And keep our peepers open for any swarthy types, who might be wearing a check patterned linen scarve. And after we manage to capture us one (with a promise of goat sex), we head out to our secret mountain hideaway (under the Naval Observatory, in Washington D.C. ). Then after throwing the ten ton unobtanium door shut, we string him up with a blue velvet rope. Now we're talkin, oh yeah (let the torture begin).

We start off slowly, savoring the moment (as all good torturers do). Showing the LP cover (Meridth Monk, Turtle Dreams) to our captor, just to see the look of fear in his eyes (and of course I get to feel that tingle in my leg). Then placing headphones atop his leel pinhead (first removing towel), I slap the licorice pizza down on the platter, and let her rip. At max volume. Over and over again. If it weren't for my earplugs, I might be tempted to tell my guest to hush up, but nice guy that I am .... I just let him scream. Until he begs. Begs for circumcision and a Bar Mitzvah. But no .... we ain't done (uh uhn).

Time for lunch. We dial Pizza Express ... and when the delight arrives, we wave a slice under his nose. Slowly, back and forth so the porked pepperoni can infuse his every synapse. Until he cries .... like a baby (the tears bring me great joy and happiness). After lunch? Well now, a spot of tea on the veranda does sound nice (dudden it). But first we slip a vintage Gong Show episode in the ole vcr, and hit play (goodness gracious man, have you no mercy).

When we return, after our much deserved sippa orange pekoe (this torture stuff is hard work, and don't let anyone on Pelosi's staff tell ya different). We ask him if he's thristy? We pour a tall glass full of Mogen David, and toss in some ice. We tell our new bestest bud that it's grape juice. And nearly bust a gut laughing, when asks for a straw after first taking a sip. We turn off the TV with a devilish smile. And out of sight, without much difficulty ... manage to locate our one Fanny Brice record, and cue it up. As Meester Limb a' Moose's screams quickly return, the smile on my face grows wider. Wider still as he begs for mercy (I tells him I'm fresh out).

In this thing called life, us Repubs don't much care for things like wimmin, cars, the movies, going shopping at the new mall (and grabbing some fru fru frozen yogurt). We just likes to torture [and don't need any painty waist excuses (what day is it? Why it's torture day!)]. It ain't even like we hate them oh so warm and fuzzy terrorist types .... we just likes to (yep you guessed it) torture. We post vids of our captor guzzing Yid wine while listening to Fanny Brice. On an Islamist website. And the humiliation crushes him. He now pleads with every ounce of his being to end his torment. Did I say we aren't finished? (A torturer's work is never done).

It's now around dinner time (my how time flies when you're having fun). So we place a call to the Kosher deli, and order a corned beef on rye. Picking up a cup of Starbucks on the way back, telling him the night is young, and maybe he'll need a little fortification? (but fail to mention Joo's run the company). We begin to settle in for a long night ...... loading a new tape in the vcr, showing us shopping at the discount warehouse supermarket. And using coupons!

Join us next week, when we remote pilot an armed aerial drone over the Swat Valley. And scout around for nurseries, preschools, and hospitals. It'll be a riot [signed, numbered limited edition "splatter prints" will be available (first come first served)].


Poll: Christians back torture despite faith

A new poll from the Pew Research Center's Forum on Religion & Public Life found that 62 percent of white evangelical Protestants surveyed believe that torture is often or sometimes justified.

David Gushee, a Baptist ethicist at Mercer University in Macon, Ga., said the poll is a sign of moral failure. He believes the war on terror has made Christians ignore the Bible. Jesus, he said, told his followers to love their enemies. That makes torture unacceptable.

Now see if you can find the hidden word, in the above article?

Hint: ain't evangelical, Christian, church, Protestant, white, Baptist, Bible, Jesus, people of faith, nor Republican (lemme know if ya need a clue?).


Parasitic flies used to turn fire ants into 'zombies'

FORT WORTH -- Some researchers in Texas are trying an unusual approach to combat fire ants -- parasitic flies that turn the pesky insects into zombies whose heads fall off.

"It's a tool. They're not going to completely wipe out the fire ant, but it's a way to control their population," said Scott Ludwig, an integrated pest management specialist with Texas A&M's AgriLife Extension Service in Overton, in East Texas.

No word on when clinical trials begin, using liberals.


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