Hi, I'm Carolina Garcia ...
I am an editor at a beeg seedy, bird cage liner factory. I got me one a them thar deeploma's [outta a bag a Cracker Jacks (cuz ... well ... uh they don't trust me with the box's sharp corners)].
I am a demokwap. I ware ma potty a-feely-ation, on muh suhleev (I ain puhrowd). But sometimes it falls off (watch where you step).
My steenky commie rag, is called duh el Lamo Daily News. Where we ever so proudly sh*t on conservatives, everyday [ooond they still pays me! (is this a great country or what)].
Sometimes ... I puts on my big pointy editor hat. And parade around the office (you don't think it makes my head look big do you?). Other times, I just abdicate all pretense of objectivity. Like today, Thursday, on the front page. Above the fold. Sliming the entire rank and file LAPD, for dear life. Just like I always (dog) do. I (dog) do this because I am swawtah than (a) ewe. And well we kinda did get tired of our own endless full page, full color foldout tributes, to the King of the Child Molesters. That we've been printing pretty much nonstop, the whole week, everyday, day after day [we can't be bothered with petty little nonsene like "accusations" (you kikes know who you are)]. Why we even got tired of the peaceful, uneventful memorial (damn, why the hell wasn't there a riot? Sh*t ... those stupid f*cking pigs).
Besides, without my sage, all seeing guidance. You stupid f*cking morons wouldn't know sh*t (mine's thah best!).
And make no mistake, we don't print just any sh*t. No Sir, Maam, or Hermaphrodites. We prefer the really shiny doodie from the AP (snif). And well, as you may already know. We're too cheap, and too lazy to try an duit ourselves (report the news). Ba sides ... that AP stuff suits our scintillatingly brilliant world view. To a T.
Bein an editurr'z hard wurk. Here, ya can see me straining to put another edition to bed.
Anyway I gotta run (to the bathroom), and get to work on tomorrow's news.
P.S. Our news now comes to you in a new, convenient, enviromentally friendly container.
Oh heavens, I fworgot to mention some of the other extremely important articles, what we wuvs to pwint, for our dear weaders. This one h'yar, appeared in our Sports Section, over this past Fourth of July weekend ...
Why has "God Bless America" been reconstituted as a live, two-minute timeout performance during the seventh-inning stretch at all Dodgers' home games this season? Shouldn't we have a problem with this?
Did you know that at Yankee Stadium, there's a rule that prohibits any fan movement during the playing of "God Bless America"? And one person last season got up from his seat to go to the restroom during the playing of the song, was confronted by a NYPD officer, eventually had his arm grabbed and twisted behind him, and was then forcibly removed from the park ...
Sig Heil baby!
Or ... that Palin defended her decision to step down after a year in which she has been forced to deal with a series of ethics complaints and publics records requests that have cost the state nearly $2 million to investigate. (And) There has been speculation that she has some legal issue that is not yet known to the public.
Also, I bbbbet you didn't know that Gwyneth Paltrow speaks Spanish? Huh? Well now you (dog) do!
NEW YORK -- Gwyneth Paltrow speaks almost perfect Spanish - and she does it with an Iberian accent. The Oscar-winning actress says she traveled to Spain as a teenager, fell in love with the country, and embraces the culture to the point that she visits at least once a year and makes sure her young children, Apple and Moses, also speak the language.
And that was before the associate of the Muslim Brotherhood, Mombasa born Obama, supra-constitutionally occupied the White House (yo go Gwenny!)
Here are some articles we will never, ever print:
BILLIONS In Stimulus Aid Went to Obama Supporting Counties
Obama Forgets Where He Met His Wife
Well, maybe we'll put this one on the front page?
The most transparent administration evah!
More transparent than a sheet of Saran Wrap split in two!
And for some really strange reason, it seems this week, we need another stimulus plan (snarf). Bbbbut just last week (my how time flies when you're f*cking America in the ass) .....
And you car company execs, now have to fly standby .... (b*tches). Ok, if you gibb us sum mo bj's? Ya can fly Coach (or Hermes, or LV, ....).
I gotta lot more news stories in my tank .... (wink, wink)