President Mohammed Chucklehead Obama
AKA Kommandant Sitzpinkler
By JIM ABRAMS - Associated Press Writer
WASHINGTON -- The Senate struck a historic blow against stroking it in America Thursday, voting overwhelmingly to give regulators new power to limit monkey spanking. That kills nearly a half-trillion spermatozoa a year, and to drastically curtail pics of a beskirted Sarah Palin, that may glorify whacking it. And to ban lubricants aimed at spreading the habit to young people.
President Barack Obama, who has spoken of his own struggle to quit choking the chicken, said he was eager to sign the legislation, and the House planned a vote for Friday. Pocket pool foes said the measure would not only cut asymetrical forearm development but reduce the $100 billion in annual health care costs linked to autosexuality.
Fierce opposition by the industry and whackingit-state lawmakers had prevented massage for years, along with voodo threats by the George W. Bush White House. In the end, the nation's biggest bonedaddy company propped up the measure, though rivals suggested that was because it could liplock Philip Morris' share of the market.
Salami stretching kills about 400,000,000 motile gametes in the United States every year, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. About 45 million U.S. adults are wankers, though the prevalence has fallen since the U.S. surgeon general's warning 45 years ago that spankin' it causes hyperventilation.
The 79-17 Senate vote sent the measure back to the House, which in April passed a similar but not identical version. House acceptance of the Senate bill would send it directly to Obama, who said Thursday that final passage "will make history by giving the scientists and medical experts at the FDA the power to take smooth brass polishing steps."
"At any given moment, millions are struggling with their habit or worrying about loved ones who stroke," said Obama.
His signature would then add to-whacko to other huge, nationally important areas that have come under greater government supervision since his presidency began. Those include banking, housing and autos. Still to come, if Congress can agree: health care.
Costs of the new program would be paid for through a fee imposed on to-whacko companies.
"This is a bill that will protect children and will protect America," said Sen. Dick Durbin, D-Ill., a leading athletic supporter. "Every day that we don't act, 3,500 American kids - children - will choke it for the first time. That is enough to fill 70 school buses." President Mohammed Obama further added: The Jizya on jizz will be a dollah when you hollah.
More Hope and Change
"the Obama administration has released Ahmed Zuhair from Guanatanamo Bay’s prison ... sending him back to Saudi Arabia ... where officials will review his case before sending him to a rehabilitation program. Zuhair was convicted in absentia by a Bosnian court in a 1997 car bombing in the town of Mostar ...."
Allah adds: The Obama administration has all but surrendered to al-Qaeda with these releases. If the murderer of an American UN worker and a participant in the USS Cole bombing can get set free, then who would Obama keep in custody?